“The only way to win is not to play.”

by Demian

 

Says the narcissist. If I fool myself through this life, there might be things left I didn’t, couldn’t blow up, things that actually affect me, standing between all the debris and ash. Strong, steady things I couldn’t destroy. Nah, let’s reconsider this, is what my late 2017- and my shiny new 2018-me is saying. Took me a while, still is. Not that I’m giving much thought to the Gregorian calendar, really – there are things more periodic than the turns of the years. And nothing dramatic, no hard feelings found here. The cage door’s left open and all the whining ends where someone forgets to use the key.

Sitting here, I’m realizing how I am afraid to start things when there’s no manual lying around next to me. A blank page, only four small characters written hesitantly on the corner, looking lost in all the whiteness. 2018. Damn. Free. What. Help. Lost. Nope. Do it. You decide. I’m constantly drifting between panic mode and Yaywhoopwhoop!-feelings. I hate being unstable. I hate being stable. I love possibilities. I don’t. I hate freedom. I love it.

Knowing me, I will find my way through this somehow, one way or another. Only question is: Will it suffice? Will it be enough so that I won’t blame myself for anything? What will I do, what will I miss? But first things first (the almost easy part): I’ll slay all those little and bigger monsters. Everything that stands between me and whatever there’s waiting on the other side. Go, fish, go.